i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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