Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
