I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
