I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
