a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
