I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
