apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize
