i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
