Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
