You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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