I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
