The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
that may or may not have been my penis.
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