Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
