I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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