the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
