Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
