I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
