im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
