Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
