Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
