i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
