She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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