I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
