The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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