I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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