Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
