why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
