and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
