sarcasm needs its own font
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
