Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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