It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
