Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
