I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
