Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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