the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
