your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
