Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
