I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
