I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
