mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
