Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
