oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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