3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
