More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
In America we eat man semen.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
