So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
