Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
