no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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