is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
