At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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