i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
